Hazel - thank you so much. I have talked to him about chilled prepared potatoes after reading your post and he has decided he will have another order later when he has used up the stuff in the freezer but thinks it is a good idea. He is doing okayish this morning and the District Nurse should call in today.
DH will always have bear at the weekend, but can't get time off during the week. It is @ 3.5 hours each way to get to darling uncle on public transport for me. That's @ seven hours travelling, which makes it hard for me. That is if I go by train, which is expensive. Coach is cheaper but the time table means that I could only go if I stayed overnight and there's problems about where I could stay - probably b&b or travel lodge in Chester.
If it was deadly serious I would take bear with me (shudders at thought of seven hours on public transport with bear who loathes travel) but it isn't quite at that pitch yet.
I feel like my whole life is, 'Yes, but....'
Also I feel a bit guilty because I feel that darling uncle has refused all suggestions of getting a cleaner/home help/assisted living person in when there are funds so it really is down to him. Just as not being able to get into two of the drawers of the freezer because he chose an impractical freezer is down to him. Just as living in a house which full of hoarded stuff which he 'will sort through later' and which stops him being able to get around in his home is down to him. Actually I feel a lot guilty about it.
Off to do ironing while the phone is quiet. Thank you for your post, I hadn't thought of sausages, but it's probably what he meant.
2 comments:
Syb, sounds like you need to take some decisive action. Appreciate the difficulty with public transport, so let's look at another option
You need DH to drive you, and he can only go at a weekend. Sorting out DU will be boring for Bear, and you don't want DH to waste a precious weekend driving you there and back.
What about a family weekend to Chester? The cost of a travelodge room is the same whether its one of you or three of you. DH can take Bear out to see all the Roman stuff, and you can tackle DU. (Sorry that you get the raw end of the deal).
Maybe in the past DU has refused paid help, etc etc, but perhaps now that he is not quite well, he might agree? Or at least agree to having someone for he short term while he recuperates. He (and you) could then see how it goes and decide whether to carry on with it or stop it?
Also, now he is struggling a bit, he may be more open to suggestions of a more suitable freezer, or decluttering, or whatever. If you are there, you can see first hand what help he really needs and what aids or appliances are worth getting.
All of this will be much easier to sort out, agree, and get locked into place if you are there in the same room with him.
Finally, after you've done all this - it's up to him. If he still refuses help, then that's his choice. Guilt on your part in that circumstance is unnecessary, pointless, and will just sap any energy you have for doing other things. It's shocking how much time this sort of emotion takes up, and how it leaves a person feeling incapable of doing other things.
Imagine....if you put the time and/or the energy you are "wasting" on feeling guilty into something productive, you could achieve anything. I
Be kind to yourself xxxxxx
Sybil, If you are three hours travel away from your uncle, there is no way you can be responsible for his shopping or his day to day care. You mention that you have siblings. If so, you need to organise a family council of war and decide who is going to be responsible for what. You don't say how old your uncle is, but I'm presuming he's in his 70s. Just because he doesn't want anyone to come in and help and do his shopping doesn't mean he can expect you, at that distance away, to do ANYTHING, no matter how much you want to or how guilty you feel. If he doesn't get on Social Services radar soon, there won't be any services left to access. He needs a care assessment.
I am currently trying to care for my parents who live an hour away from me and two hours away from my sister. (We both have cars) I provide most of my parents food both through home cooked meals and shopping. My mother is now in the terminal phase of ischaemic dementia so there are two carers going in four times a days for personal care. They also have a cleaner once a week and three hours respite once a week. I go down twice a month for either one day or three days. My sister tries to go once a fortnight for three hours or so when she can. When I can't visit, I organise two of my three kids to visit. They also have local friends who pop in occasionally. Care is not something anyone can be solely responsible for even if you live with the person or close by.
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